Sunday, January 15, 2012

The Reality of Growing

Well, I've had quite the past two weeks and frankly I'm exhausted. I've had to grow up and explore parts of my heart that are torn and damaged. I can barely even write this right now because I literally don't have the physical strength. But, as hurt and undone as I am, I also have to appreciate how much I've grown as a person. I had to mature and become more dependent on the Lord instead of myself and others. It's been hard to not love my plan and my future, but instead to love Gods plan and future for me. I have to know that I don't know everything, or even anything. My future husband could be in my life at this moment, or I could meet him years from now. I don't know and neither does he. But, we both know that we're out there, we both know that we will meet or realize one day that we are God's match for each other. But in the mean time I must wait and trust and depend in the Lord. For he is always there.

"But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him.  He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit." Jeremiah 17:7-8

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

The Reality Of Everyone's Worst Being Their Worst.

So today i'm sick. I've been sick for two weeks now, and have only been getting worse. Now, I would be able to take this gracefully, but I've been having a rough time lately. I have autoimmune, and so I'm exhausted all the time. People think I'm lazy and slow and have a low will-power, but the truth is I'm sick. But at the same time, I start to believe that I'm lazy and have brought upon all this on myself, and it becomes a constant battle in my mind. To make this worse my autoimmune issues does not explain it all, I have a ton of other diagnoses and even those don't explain everything. And because of this I'm even more frustrated. I always think Lord I can handle this, I just need to know WHAT I'm supposed to be handling. It's like those nightmares of showing up for a test ready to dominate, but not knowing what it is on. Ever had one of those dreams? You show up for that huge life determining test, but don't even know what it's on? Well that's what I feel like I'm facing.  But, at the same time I realize I am writing this while sitting in my over a half a million dollar house, writing about how much things suck on my giant Mac computer, and I feel like a little brat. I think about the kids who don't HAVE homes, and are on their death beds, no parents, no one that cares for them, and I just want to punch myself for feeling how I do. But then I remember how my Younglife leaders have always said that everyone's worst is their worst.... I may have an extremely blessed life, but that doesn't mean that it's untouchable to sin. I am not above sin because of how I was raised. I am just as much a victim to sin as a child in poverty is. Just as God sees us ALL with loving eyes and doesn't see one person above another, sin touches all of us in different ways. And feeling guilty about our sin, is just MORE sin.

Monday, November 14, 2011

The Reality of Perseverance

My anatomy teacher today informed me that I believe I am entitled. That I believe I am above other students that I have some issue that makes me believe that I don't value her time. She continued on to inform me all the things that she considers wrong with me. Pretending that I have been a slacker. And all I wanted to do was punch her. I'm writing this in her class and I really really really wanna jump out of my seat and punch her in the face. I'm new. I have autoimmune. I have JRA. I probably have Lupus. I have fibromyalgia. I get anxious. I get sick. I have costochondritis. My body attacks the things that are good, and destroys me. I am sick pretty much everyday. I have Asthma. I have chronic bronchitis. I have vocal cord disorder. I'm allergic to smoke, gluten, dust, dairy, and practically everything. I have OCD. And sometimes I panic and you know what....
I don't care.
That's who I am, and I've accepted it.  It took years of feeling sorry for myself. It took years of praying I was normal. But you know what. Damn it. I love being ME. Because despite suffering from these things and missing abnormal amounts of class. I have more character than my anatomy could even dream of. I have more life and truth and love supporting me than she could even imagine. This woman is clearly not of the Lord. And as angry as I am at her for trying to guilt me and destroy my confidence. I am ABOVE her. Not that I'm a greater human. But, I know love, I know truth, and I know what it's like to live a life that is of substance and strong. I have preserved. The fact that she said all those things to me and I'm still here in her class shows that I have more courage than her. I am not going to be destroyed by her wickedness and sin. Because, I am of Him.

1 Corinthians 13:6-7 NIV Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Or as they say in one of my favorite songs, Centuries...
You will turn Your ear to me You will hear my cry for mercy You will loosen things unseen What can man do to me

So bring it on. Because I AM on the rock. And your hate will cause your home on sand to fail you.

Friday, August 5, 2011

The Reality Of Danger.

Recently, it has been made apparent that there are some concerns towards my "love is my business" project and my efforts to support the homeless of New York City. Though I recognize completely why these individuals may be concerned, there request for me to end this "risky behavior" frustrates me. We are all one. Yes, i'm not blind to the fact that there is much danger in the world. But, the Lord wouldn't be telling me to accomplish something that would put me in danger. I get it, I'm a perky little blonde teenage girl running around New York City handing out breakfast to people who have mental illnesses and could be dangerous, anyone would be slightly concerned at this thought. But, with God's guidance, I'm safe. And I'm going to trust that he is not going to place me at the wrong place at the wrong time. There are certain individuals which the Lord directed me away from... and I have been only responded to with words of graciousness and kindness. I trust him. So, therefore, I am safe.

Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Psalm 121:3 “He will not let you stumble; the one who watches over you will not slumber.”

Psalm 32:8 “I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you.”

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

The Reality Of a Forensic Anthropologist following Christ

When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears
and delivers them out of all their troubles.
Lord is near to the brokenhearted
and saves the crushed in spirit.
 Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
but the 
Lord delivers him out of them all.
He keeps all his
bones; not one of them is broken.
Psalm 34:17-20

This verse is perfect absolutely perfect for me... as an aspiring forensic anthropologist, I pretty much freak out every time I hear anything to do with bones...especially when it's coming from Jesus... what more could I ask for. I randomly discovered this Psalm tonight when I was searching for verses for the homeless people who I encountered today and whom I plan on checking in on until the end of my program. And I find it amazing how the Lord sneakily shows me verses about forensic anthropology. Especially since the other verse I found IN MY TEXTBOOK. It was sick nasty awesome. It was....

Ezekiel 37:1-3
The power of the Lord came over me. The Lord brought me out by his Spirit and put me down in the middle of a valley. The valley was filled with bones. He led me all around them. I saw that there were very many bones at the bottom of the valley, and they were very dry.
Then he asked me, “Son of man, can these bones live?”

I answered, “Only you know, Almighty Lord.”

Awesome right? 
The Lord is so good at exposing LIFE and FREEDOM, even in things that you never except... like Forensic Anthropology... which may I note is centered around death.

The Reality Of Loving Thy Neighbor

When entering a new environment, such as a new school, class, program, city... it is only natural for you to want to get to know people. But, what about the people who you see everyday? The custodian of your school? The homeless person that you pass on your way to class? The person who makes your burrito at Chipotle? Why don't you know those people? I was thinking about this this morning because I am the type of person who goes to the same restaurants, takes the same routes to different places, and is just very consistent (or OCD) about my day-to-day activities.
More specifically, I was thinking about a lady that I pass every time I go to my frozen yogurt shop. I put SO much effort in getting to know the kids in my classes, and yet I see her twice everyday, and I don't even know her name. If all of us are created equally and with love by the Lord, why is it that I'm drawn to some and don't acknowledge others?
My plan for today, is to get to know her. Though I totally recognize that she may think it's odd that someone that she sees everyday just decides one morning to strike up a conversation... I hope she will be open to getting to know me.

A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”

Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’
-Matthew 22:37-39

Thursday, July 28, 2011

The Reality Of Being Alone.

Living at New York University, has been one of the most stressful things I have ever done. I feel confined and isolated by the concrete white walls that surround me in my cell like dorm. Going into this, I thought it was going to be just like camp. It's not. Camp is a week. This is six weeks. You get meals at camp. Here I eat saltines like they are a masterpiece by a chef who works at a four star restaurant. I call and cry for hours to whoever is willing to listen. It's stressful.
Yesterday, my computer shut down. It refused to charge. In a state of pure panic I tried everything to get it to charge because I couldn't handle being without it. It brings me a sense of comfort, gives me a brief sensation that convinces my sub-conscience mind that I'm still home. With no luck, I accepted the defeat and lay on my bed wondering what I would do to distract myself from the anxious state of mind I was in.
I looked up from my bed for a book or something, and my personalized teal Bible with a brown ribbon was  right in front of me. I didn't even have to open in. Just LOOKING at it overwhelmed my mind with a sense of comfort and relief. In all honesty, I haven't opened it in the month that I've been here. But, I don't feel ashamed. I understand that I have been under a great deal of pressure, and reading alone to myself was going to allow my sense of isolation to thrive. But, now, that I am here, and with two weeks left. I have to discover a way to incooporate Him into this experiance. No number of friends I make here, or minutes spent on the phone, or hours spent on facebook and skype, will relieve me from this sense of lonliness. Only the Lord can.

Joshua 1:5
No one will be able to oppose you successfully as long as you live. I will be with you as I was with Moses. I will never neglect you or abandon you.