Tuesday, November 29, 2011

The Reality Of Everyone's Worst Being Their Worst.

So today i'm sick. I've been sick for two weeks now, and have only been getting worse. Now, I would be able to take this gracefully, but I've been having a rough time lately. I have autoimmune, and so I'm exhausted all the time. People think I'm lazy and slow and have a low will-power, but the truth is I'm sick. But at the same time, I start to believe that I'm lazy and have brought upon all this on myself, and it becomes a constant battle in my mind. To make this worse my autoimmune issues does not explain it all, I have a ton of other diagnoses and even those don't explain everything. And because of this I'm even more frustrated. I always think Lord I can handle this, I just need to know WHAT I'm supposed to be handling. It's like those nightmares of showing up for a test ready to dominate, but not knowing what it is on. Ever had one of those dreams? You show up for that huge life determining test, but don't even know what it's on? Well that's what I feel like I'm facing.  But, at the same time I realize I am writing this while sitting in my over a half a million dollar house, writing about how much things suck on my giant Mac computer, and I feel like a little brat. I think about the kids who don't HAVE homes, and are on their death beds, no parents, no one that cares for them, and I just want to punch myself for feeling how I do. But then I remember how my Younglife leaders have always said that everyone's worst is their worst.... I may have an extremely blessed life, but that doesn't mean that it's untouchable to sin. I am not above sin because of how I was raised. I am just as much a victim to sin as a child in poverty is. Just as God sees us ALL with loving eyes and doesn't see one person above another, sin touches all of us in different ways. And feeling guilty about our sin, is just MORE sin.

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